I walked into my classroom on June 14th. I stood there and just looked around. Bare walls, a teacher desk, a reading table, 3 computers, a printer, and a few chairs. "Whoooaa.." I thought to myself--This gives the phrase "starting with a clean slate" a whole new meaning.
Because my carpet had not been cleaned yet, I could only move things on the tile floor. Which isn't too big. I quickly got busy going through cabinets, throwing away unwanted items, and shortly had used a whole bottle of Lysol cleaner. After 5 hours of that nonsense, I took a step back, and realized nothing really looked different. Thinking tomorrow would be better, I turned off the lights and closed the door.
As soon as my door closed to my car, the waterworks began. I thought, "How in the world am I going to have this room ready in 2 months?" Again, this may not seem like a scary moment to you all, but me-- I was freaking.
I chatted with mama via FaceBook chat that night. She could tell only by the words on a computer screen that I was stressing. She assured me everthing would be fine. She knew I wanted everything perfect--in a short amount of time, and that wouldn't happen. But with her help, my classroom would be perfect by August 20th. I believed her. I knew that with her help, I could do it.
When I got in bed that night, I started to think about how some people would love to have my stress. They'd love to be setting up a classroom--which would mean they'd have a job. Instantly I felt so selfish for complaining and stressing over something that is a blessing in my life. Something that others would LOVE to stress over. And then--I told myself to not dare stress about something that I am so lucky to have. Unfortunately, I can't say that I have stopped stressing all together-but I have taken a chill pill. Or two.
Here it is June 21st, and I have no doubt that I will have the cutest little owl themed classroom EVER! And I owe a lot of that to my mama. She's made curtians, printed out posters, made pennets, etc. I'm very lucky to have a mother who's willing to step in and do whatever to make sure I am happy and satisfied.
Scary moment #2--actually terrifying. Finding a house to rent. And actually renting it. As you may know, I've been looking for somewhere to live for 2 months now. And have found NOTHING that has blown up my skirt. However, I have been to look at the same house every day this week--yeap, 4 days. I went Monday when a lady who works with my dad called and said, "I found YOUR house...and it's in your price range." I didnt even get excited. Why? Because I have gotten so excited about the past 15 houses I went to look at, and left extremely disappointed. Sometimes in tears. Why I am so emotional these days is beyond me? Anywho...I got the number from her and called the lady whose name I STILL don't know because she is German, and I can't hardly understand her when she's talking.
So I went Monday and thought it was okay. Definately better than any other house at this price. Tuesday, I went with the realtor who's a family friend. She had showed me 4 properties before that one that neither one of us liked. When we got in the car she said "Rachel, I really think we should cancel the rest of the viewings because you arent going to find anything in a better location, for that price, and in that condition." Hmmm...okay FINALLY--something is working out in my favor. So that's what I did. Wednesday, Cody came to look at the house with me since we'll be living together. He had only been to look at one other house with me and he liked it better than the other one. Anyone who knows Cody, knows he is a "go with the flow" type guy. Whatever makes me happy makes him happy. And for that I am sooo thankful. But it wasn't what I wanted at the time. I wanted a "Yes, Rachel. Let's sign a lease."
I NEVER expected to say this but here it goes. "LIFE IS MUCH EASIER WHEN YOU'RE JUST TOLD WHAT TO DO AND DON'T MAKE THE DECISIONS ON YOUR OWN. Why? Because then if you end up unhappy or something happens, you can blame it on whomever made the decision. I know---Shame on me.
So today when Mama came up to help me in my room, we went to look at the house. She would never really give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down though. So while we were shopping in Wal-Mart afterwards, mama says, "Anything else you need to look for." My reply, "A decision. You think they sale those here?" She smirked. And acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.
At the lunch table, she knew I was about to just lose it. She can read me like a book. Or just look at my face. She said she hated to see me so upset and "on the fence" about this house.
In between the tears, I explained that this is the first REAL LIFE, BIG GIRL, GROWN UP decision I've ever made. It's freaking scary. I need someone to tell me that I should rent it or I shouldn't. I need someone to tell me it'll be so cute once I get a wreath and a rocking chair on my front porch. I need someone to assure me that I'm making a good choice. I don't want the first decision I make as a grown up to be the wrong one. But how would I know if it was?
She explained it to me this way-- When I was about 3 years old, we lived on Gilmer Ave. in an OLD, crappy, mill house which is no longer there because Jack's was built. It had no heat, was sketchy, and during winter mama used to pick me up out of the bed when she got up in the morning and lay me in the bathroom floor while she showered and blow dried her hair to keep me warm. It was bad. But, it was what she could afford and a place for us to live. She didn't know at the time when she made the decision that everything would tear up, that ambulances and firetrucks would wake us up everytime they went down the 4 lane, ot that the mosquito truck would turn around in our driveway every afternoon around 5pm. But she learned from it. She didn't learn that mill houses suck. She learned that no matter where we lived, what we had or didn't have, we made it. Now let me say this-- I know you're thinking I'm considering moving into a millhouse, in the ghetto, but I'm not. It's in a quiet neighborhood, a 3 BR and 1 1/2 bath.
Anyway--back to the story, after more tears at the lunchtable I left feeling better. I don't know that I am making the perfect FIRST big girl decision. But what I do know is that I'll make wrong choices in life. And I'll probably be mad at myself for them. But I'll learn from them and I will make it. Especially with my sweet baby love by my side. And a supporting mother and family. I'm just excited Cody and I get to see each other EVERYDAY for the first time in 2 years. Ahh..that fact alone makes me feel like I'm already on the right track. And we have made the decision to try to rent the house. Scareddddddd to death. Gotta fill out the paperwork and get everything taken care of before I can say for sure. Everyone please say a prayer for me and Cody. I know if it's His plan, we'll get the house. And if it's not--I can understand it better because if He says no, it's coming from someone who knows exactly what needs to be done.
Knowing what's meant to be will find a way,
